Words of Redemption

It’s an identity crisis

I do not know what to do

Grow dreads or sport a bald head.

- Pigeon John, “Identity Crisis” Pigeon John is Dating Your Sister

I have a problem.

And for some reason, I won’t be able to sleep tonight unless I lay it out.

One the one hand, I’m a pretty insecure guy (Exhibit A). I find that this confession often comes as a shock to people, but believe me when I say I’m great at the self doubt. Ask Sarah. She hates it because she can’t stand to see me acting Richard Lewis neurotic. I hate it too. More when I feel like I can’t help it, which is too often. It’s a bad habit, like biting your nails, or habitually kicking your cat¹.

On the other hand, I’m a very, very opinionated guy (Exhibit B). If you’ve spent any amount of time with me, this is probably more self-evident than exhibit A. Given time, you’d probably discover that I have an opinion on just about any topic, even if I know next to nothing about it. My initials seem to be more than a coincidence. Again, ask Sarah. She has the distinct pleasure of listening to me rant and rave about everything from politics and faith to the inanity of reality television all without pausing to breathe or, at times, to think.

Now, being the perceptive individual that you are, it should be obvious to see how these two things are linked. Do the math:

Insecurity = Need to be liked, praised, appreciated, applauded, etc. (let’s call all of this being “The Man”)

The Man = Smart + Funny + Observant + Authoritative

Though the math is quite faulty, I assume you see where this is going. Mr. Opinionated Expert on Everything² just wants to be liked.

And I know I’m being too hard on myself. See Exhibit A.

And I know I’m being dramatic. See Exhibit B.

But there is a genuine problem here.

Neither of these is really me. The real me.

Consider this:

Opinionated guy wants to write with (perceived) honesty and abandon. To “be real.” To lay my opinions on the table.

I gotta be me, right?

So let’s say I do that, and maybe I even have before. All fine and good, and I’ve said my peace.

But then insecure guys goes nuts, convinced that I’ve offended everyone at every turn. He thinks I might as well give up writing because I’ve burned bridges before I even wrote anything worth reading.

“It’s all over now,” insecure guy says. He sounds kinda like mix between Tim Conway and Gilligan.³

One guy is a jerk, and the other guy is a wuss. I mean Opinionated Guy and Insecure Guy, not Tim Conway and Gilligan…

And if I’m not either of them, who am I then?

I’m both, minus the jerk and the wuss. I think what’s left is someone who can actually separate truth from bias. Someone who isn’t afraid to speak that truth, but who also doesn’t feel a constant need to wield truth like a broadsword when a scalpel will do. Someone who cares for others, but who knows when not to care what others think. Someone who’s sense of security is anything but earthly.

And I think the key to my becoming the man, the writer, the husband, the father⁴ and the Follower of Christ that God intends me to be lies within an ability to embrace that truth.

Too personal? Probably. But I don’t care what you think.

P.S. To harken back to Pigeon John’s lyrics, neither dreads nor a bald head would work for me. I already know I have an odd-shaped skull, and don’t need a midday shadow as additional proof. As for dreads, I think that Jason Castro (see below) has the market cornered on white-guy dreads right now. I only know this because Sarah watches American Idol. I merely sit next to her on the couch, glued to the Mac while I pretend to not listen and not love it.

Popularity: 42% [?]

1. I struggle with one of these two things [↩]
2. I’m talking about me here [↩]
3. Opinionated guy sounds like Hulk Hogan, by the way. [↩]
4. not yet mom [↩]

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